Question Everything

For the first time in a long time, I am ...conflicted.

Even I have bad days sometimes. This is one of them.
I have a hundred emotions running through me adding no small amount of stress to the headache that I can feel behind my eyes.

Earlier this week I felt the need to report a coworker for harassment.
The situation has been handled, thankfully with no retaliation (yet) and very little drama.

I know that I am not responsible for his actions.
I know that I  had every right to do what I did.

I'm upset that my work place no longer feels safe. It's awkward now, and uncomfortable.
I've rocked the boat, and now everyone knows that I will do so. I hate being backed into a corner, or feeling like I have no other choice. I am a fighter, and a vicious one, but I hate having to fight.

"well you are a pretty girl!" IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR HIS ACTION.

No one should ever make me feel uncomfortable EVER. There are polite ways to hold conversations with people that don't cross boundaries or make them feel the need to go talk to a supervisor afterwards.
So since people find me to be attractive (for whatever reason), I should just EXPECT it?

No.

and that mindset makes me angry. You wouldn't believe how angry.

I'm so tired of societal mindset of "a woman's place". Of  how I should act, of how I should dress, of being expected to fawn over every bit of attention I receive - good or bad. Of being made to feel like a troublemaker and an attention whore because I stood up for myself and did what was RIGHT.

Tired.
Upset.
Angry - and honestly, angry at myself. Though I couldn't tell you why if you asked.

sometimes it takes NOT trying so hard..

I mentioned in my last post that I had hit a frustrating plateau with my weighloss and toning goals.
I tried and tried and tried to break that flatline.

and then I stopped trying. I stopped thinking.

I started enjoying.

I stopped worrying about everything I ate.. or didn't eat. About how many steps I had taken, or whether or not I exercised that day.

I started playing.
I played hide and seek with my wee Dragonling, I ran and played and laughed and blew bubbles.
We chase each other around the house and up and down the stairs. We hike together, and during those hikes, I don't pay attention to how much I'm sweating, or how many steps I should be taking. I pay attention to her. To the wonder that she sees in every flower, every ray of sunshine, every raindrop.

I started relaxing and encouraging her to do Yoga with me (flexible little thing.. she makes it look effortless.) Giggling with her when we both fall down on the mats. Relaxing with her on the couch, with her little hand tucked into my shirt, and her head nestled under my chin.

I started teaching her how to cook.
In doing so, I remembered the joy of cooking in the first place. Of tasting and seasoning, of throwing a recipe out the window for the fun of experimentation. Of baking cookies and then licking the spoon, AND the bowl, and then licking the rest off of our fingers. Of the rhythmic meditation of stirring a dish.

you know what else I stopped doing?
I stopped stepping on the scale so often.

and when I did? I noticed a difference.
about 12 lbs worth of one.


Living is fun, if you allow yourself to enjoy it. Sometimes we forget that fact.

I still live

Mostly.

I sort of fell off of the face of the planet for a while.I was unemployed for almost a full year, which put some serious strain on everything.

Quite a lot of changes have happened since my last post here.

I have a new job now. Well.. not new anymore, as I passed my 1-year mark in April. It's a desk job, which means that I'm trying to challenge myself to do stretches and "office exercises" while I'm here. Taking the stairs as often as possible (19 floors or so is a lot, y'all. Just sayin'.)

Now that it's summer time I'm hoping to  be able to swim a bit. There's a YMCA down the street from our house with a pretty decent pool. Since I  have a membership there, it'd be a shame not to take advantage.

Project FitPixie is still going strong, although my weight has plateaued and refuses to change no matter what I do.

It's a little frustrating, really.

Although I am still working (constantly and forever) towards being toned and flexible, I am happy with my overall looks. Happier than I have been in a long while, actually.

Life is pretty good.