Question Everything

For the first time in a long time, I am ...conflicted.

Even I have bad days sometimes. This is one of them.
I have a hundred emotions running through me adding no small amount of stress to the headache that I can feel behind my eyes.

Earlier this week I felt the need to report a coworker for harassment.
The situation has been handled, thankfully with no retaliation (yet) and very little drama.

I know that I am not responsible for his actions.
I know that I  had every right to do what I did.

I'm upset that my work place no longer feels safe. It's awkward now, and uncomfortable.
I've rocked the boat, and now everyone knows that I will do so. I hate being backed into a corner, or feeling like I have no other choice. I am a fighter, and a vicious one, but I hate having to fight.

"well you are a pretty girl!" IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR HIS ACTION.

No one should ever make me feel uncomfortable EVER. There are polite ways to hold conversations with people that don't cross boundaries or make them feel the need to go talk to a supervisor afterwards.
So since people find me to be attractive (for whatever reason), I should just EXPECT it?

No.

and that mindset makes me angry. You wouldn't believe how angry.

I'm so tired of societal mindset of "a woman's place". Of  how I should act, of how I should dress, of being expected to fawn over every bit of attention I receive - good or bad. Of being made to feel like a troublemaker and an attention whore because I stood up for myself and did what was RIGHT.

Tired.
Upset.
Angry - and honestly, angry at myself. Though I couldn't tell you why if you asked.

sometimes it takes NOT trying so hard..

I mentioned in my last post that I had hit a frustrating plateau with my weighloss and toning goals.
I tried and tried and tried to break that flatline.

and then I stopped trying. I stopped thinking.

I started enjoying.

I stopped worrying about everything I ate.. or didn't eat. About how many steps I had taken, or whether or not I exercised that day.

I started playing.
I played hide and seek with my wee Dragonling, I ran and played and laughed and blew bubbles.
We chase each other around the house and up and down the stairs. We hike together, and during those hikes, I don't pay attention to how much I'm sweating, or how many steps I should be taking. I pay attention to her. To the wonder that she sees in every flower, every ray of sunshine, every raindrop.

I started relaxing and encouraging her to do Yoga with me (flexible little thing.. she makes it look effortless.) Giggling with her when we both fall down on the mats. Relaxing with her on the couch, with her little hand tucked into my shirt, and her head nestled under my chin.

I started teaching her how to cook.
In doing so, I remembered the joy of cooking in the first place. Of tasting and seasoning, of throwing a recipe out the window for the fun of experimentation. Of baking cookies and then licking the spoon, AND the bowl, and then licking the rest off of our fingers. Of the rhythmic meditation of stirring a dish.

you know what else I stopped doing?
I stopped stepping on the scale so often.

and when I did? I noticed a difference.
about 12 lbs worth of one.


Living is fun, if you allow yourself to enjoy it. Sometimes we forget that fact.

I still live

Mostly.

I sort of fell off of the face of the planet for a while.I was unemployed for almost a full year, which put some serious strain on everything.

Quite a lot of changes have happened since my last post here.

I have a new job now. Well.. not new anymore, as I passed my 1-year mark in April. It's a desk job, which means that I'm trying to challenge myself to do stretches and "office exercises" while I'm here. Taking the stairs as often as possible (19 floors or so is a lot, y'all. Just sayin'.)

Now that it's summer time I'm hoping to  be able to swim a bit. There's a YMCA down the street from our house with a pretty decent pool. Since I  have a membership there, it'd be a shame not to take advantage.

Project FitPixie is still going strong, although my weight has plateaued and refuses to change no matter what I do.

It's a little frustrating, really.

Although I am still working (constantly and forever) towards being toned and flexible, I am happy with my overall looks. Happier than I have been in a long while, actually.

Life is pretty good.

And then life happened...

So. yeah.

A lot has happened. I moved to Atlanta. I had a baby.

Life is moving at mach 12 now, and every time I blink, it seems that another week, another month... has passed by.

On the fitness front, well.. obviously there have been changes.

I haven't found a martial arts class here in Atlanta that doesn't cost more than rent per month to join.

Having a baby has sort of sidelined the whole Project for the time being anyways.

Sort of.

All of the horror stories you hear about having babies?

I guess I'm lucky. Aside from a few tiny stretch-marks, and a serious lack of sleep; I'm actually in BETTER shape after having Samantha than I was before.

it's the breastfeeding.

or something like that anyways. I blame genetics.

I didn't really gain ANY weight while pregnant, a whopping 10 lbs total. Which means technically that I lost weight the entire time. I still maintain my eating habits: Fruits and veggies as often as I can get them, whole grains, lots of milk and proteins.

These are important for me as well as for Sam, as what I eat goes into my milk for her. I probably burn upwards of 800-1200 calories per day, just feeding her. Not to mention the fact that we live in a multi-story house now, so I'm constantly running up and down the stairs.

My ass looks GREAT.

But seriously.

Three months after her birth (!!!) and I'm smaller than ever. All of my pre-preggers clothing is baggy now, which is just the way I like it.

I've finally gotten the energy back to start doing more than daily Yoga, so I've started a belly-dancing routine again.

One step at a time though. One thing pregnancy and childbirth HAS done has seriously impacted my excess energy reserves. I'm hoping to be able to re-tone and build stamina again.

Keeping up with her is only going to get more entertaining from here.

Project FitPixie progresses to Stage 2

Now that I've met one goal, it's time to set new ones.

Trying to see if I can break the new weight goal of 150. That's the limit though, any smaller than that would be *too* skinny for me. I'm meant to have all of the curves of a switchback mountain trail.. and I'm not planning on losing them.

I DO want to focus more on muscle tone now that the weight isn't as much of an issue. Overall toning is coming along nicely.. I noticed tonight at kung fu that I can see slight definition across my shoulders now where I couldn't before... and I've started to see more definition across my waistline as well. (meaning that I actually HAVE one now..)

Speaking of Kung Fu. Ninja-training is going well. I'm still working on learning Little Red Fist.. it's going to take me a while, I think. I've got the movement through the stances set to do at the moment.. It's part of the form.. but it's just moving from one stance to the next, to the next.. I have to do it 100 times.. (98 more to go..) before I can proceed. Repetition is the best teacher apparently, and I have to agree. The more I do, the better I get at it.

My flexibility has improved a LOT as well. All of the stretching has become much easier to do, and I'm wanting to push further in that as well. I can *almost* do a full split again..

I've also started the Art of the Catwalk classes back again. I'm trying something this week... we'll see how it goes.. I was originally planning to alternate weeks between the Kung fu and the Catwalk classes.. but I just don't have the time on my Lottery weeks.

So I've got the Pole Basics class on Tuesday and Thursday (the opposite days from Kung Fu) this week. We'll see if I survive.

And we'll see if I can meet and beat my new set of goals..

So it's been a few weeks...

..and I'm still going strong. I continue to surprise myself by gaining more flexibility, capability, and stamina.

and yet.

I still have a LONG way to go.

I've got the three stances down to a level of competence that I can now concentrate on form rather than technique. On top of those three, I've learned two more that promise to stretch my muscles and my endurance to the limits.

When all is said and done, I'm going to have some killer legs. I'm just sayin'.

I learned a good way to practice these (and everything else). While standing on a pillar of some kind. Karate Kid had the right idea. Balance is first and foremost in everything kung-fu does, and if you think you have balance, try standing on a pillar (it doesn't have to be very tall, but it does have to be 8 inches diameter at most) and do those same things.

Yep. LOTS more practice.

I've also started learning punches.. Or.. in my case UNLEARNING punches. My martial arts background was from a much more rigid style, and so I'm having to learn to relax a lot more.

Sifu says "think of a hammer at the end of the whip. That's the kind of motion you want to have."

Of course, HE makes it look easy.

the sit ups and crunches and pushups have become part of an every-other day routine for me. I have solid definition in my ab muscles now, as well as the beginnings of some solid definition in my arms as well. I'm sitting at a solid 168, which is a good bit of weight lost since the beginning. My waist is three inches smaller than it was, and I'm starting to notice that my new jeans are getting baggy.

Now, if only I could get rid of that awful wobble in my tricep. Sifu showed me a few extra stretches and movements that will help tone those muscles as well. We'll see how it works.

I'm proud of what I've accomplished so far though, and look forward to pushing myself further and farther as I progress.

Dying.

Yep.

Dying. Kung fu is gonna kill me.

Unfortunately, I've had to cut the pole dancing classes, as I don't have the money or the time to do both anymore. -_-

But kung fu is still going strong at three times a week on my non-Lottery weeks.

To recap, I've been doing kung fu for nearly two months now. (I know.. it doesn't seem like that long at all.) In that two months, I've dropped 20 pounds, a pants size and a half, and gained tone, endurance, flexibility, and pride.

Of course, it's a pride tempered constantly by the thought of "I don't know sh*#."

Yet.

Today I started the process of learning my first actual form in kung fu. Called 'Little Red Fist', it has over 300 different moves.

I've learned the first three. Basic stances really..

1. Long stance..















This one is fairly simple.. GREAT stretch for the legs, very strong, grounded stance.. Also very LOW.. weight is distributed evenly between your feet.

2. Square stance..













This one is also not so hard.. Difficult to HOLD for long periods though. FANTASTIC for toning legs and ass, and also good at building endurance.

and 3. T stance..









THIS ONE is going to KILL me. It's low, all your weight is on your back leg. You have to be able to pick up your front foot without effort. THIS one is hard.

At least for now.. I have to be able to do all three of these well before I can proceed.

We'll see how long it takes.

For now though? I'm going to go soak my poor, tired muscles in a bath and pray for a quick death.